What car is that NFL player? AFC East edition

"Ross Kraz" (ropstafer) 09/03/2015 at 20:10 • Filed to: What car is that NFL player, what car is that player, afc east, patriots, jets, bills, dolphins

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(I love cars. I love NFL football. Let’s combine the two and compare some star players to automobiles. In this post: teams of the AFC East )

New York Jets

Darrelle Revis, CB: Aston Martin Vanquish

Why? When an opposing player is being shut down by this star corner, it is said he is on “Revis Island”. So, it’s only fitting that Revis is represented by a car from an island — the U.K. to be specific (never-you-mind that the vanquish was originally developed during Aston’s days as a Ford brand). Each of these two is confident, flashy, successful, and pretty fast, too. Revis clocked a 40 yard dash time of just 4.38 seconds, while the Vanquish takes just 3.6 seconds to get to 60 miles per hour. (Photo credits: New York Jets, The Car Connection)

Brandon Marshall, WR: Mini Cabriolet

Why? The Jets brought in Marshall this offseason in a trade with the Chicago Bears for just a fifth round pick. They hope that he can bring a spark to their passing game, which finished dead last in the league in 2014 with just 2,946 yards. With five 100+ reception seasons and seven 1,000+ yard seasons in his career, one has to wonder - why would the Bears let Marshall go for so cheap? Oh, yeah. Because he acts like a rich, spoiled, UGG wearing, Starbucks drinking, whiney white girl all the time. That is why he get’s the Mini convertible. (Photo credits: Bleacher Report, Motor Trend)

Buffalo Bills

Richie Incognito, G: Hummer H2

Why? No, this is not a just joke about his size. At 6’3” and 320 pounds, he’s actually pretty average for an NFL lineman. The reason Richie Rich gets the H2 is that he is one of the most universally hated players in the league. Because of continuous bullying and harassment of a fellow teammate, Incognito was released from his former team, the Dolphins. The Hummer, the bully of the road, tends to invoke similar feelings from most environmentally conscious people in America today. (Photo credits: Sporting News, Car and Driver)

LeSean “Shady” McCoy, RB: 1970 Cadillac Coupe Deville on RIIIIMMMSS

Why? Because that’s what a PIMPs gotta drive, playa! And when you try to host a private, 21+, all female, RSVP party with a confidentiality agreement, the only thing I can do is give you a car that even Hugh Hefner would be happy in. (Photo credits: New York Daily News, Ridesmag.com)

Miami Dolphins

Ryan Tannehill, QB: The Korean car market

Why? Go ahead and Google 1990’s Korean cars. That industry has made leaps and bounds to bring us the quality, attractive vehicles that they offer today (see Hyundai Genesis pictured). The same can be said for the young quarterback. In his first three seasons, Tannehill’s quarterback ratings have been 76.1, 81.7, and 92.8. Based on his solid preseason performance this season, he’s poised to continue his journey towards that upper echelon of NFL quarterbacks. (Photo credits: Sportsnaut.com, Wonderfulengineering.com)

Ndamukong Suh, DT: Bentley Continental GT

Why? Bentley is one of the automakers that signifies luxury and class — which is NOT why Suh is the Continental GT. Any chance of Suh having class went out the window after that whole crotch-stomping incident. Suh is, however, very large (6’4” 307) like the Continental GT (5,500 pound curb weight). He is also very fast for his size (4.98 40-yard dash) just like the GT (0-60 in 4 seconds flat). And, Suh is very expensive. This offseason, the Dolphins handed him the largest contract ever for a defensive player, worth $114 million over 6 years. That should allow him to afford the Bentley’s $200,000 price tag. He can get one in black to match his heart. (Photo credits: CBS Sports, Topspeed.com)

New England Patriots

Rob Gronkowski, TE: Trophy Truck

Why? He’s big. He’s fast. He’s pretty much unstoppable when he’s healthy. He’s really fun to watch, even if you dislike him, on and off the field. And, he flexes a lot. Plus, the name is fitting. Gronk comes in as a three time Pro Bowler, and a 2014 Lombardi Trophy winner.

Julian Edelman, WR: Toyota Hilux

Why? On the other end of the spectrum from 6’6” Gronkowski, a purpose built domination machine, there’s 5’10” Edelman, who will do anything and everything for your team. Since being drafted by New England in the 7th Round of the 2009 draft, he has caught passes, taken handoffs, returned punts and kicks, tackled kick returners, and even threw a touchdown in a playoff game. Need to do some home improvement projects? Want to try some off-roading? Want to go to the North Pole or an active volcano? The Hilux is perfect for all of those things while being as gritty and tough as Julian Edelman. (Photo credits: Sports World Report, Top Gear)

BONUS Tom Brady: Rock crawler

Why? Really low tire pressure (Photo credits: Baltimore Sun, Fourwheeler.com)

Dusty Ventures > Ross Kraz 09/03/2015 at 20:22

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I am a Pats fan. I think Brady is a douche. But I’m glad he’s our douche.

Sn210 > Ross Kraz 09/03/2015 at 20:29

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Dude can throw too

Supreme Chancellor and Glorious Leader SaveTheIntegras > Ross Kraz 09/03/2015 at 20:33

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that Brandon Marshal one had me dying

SnapUndersteer, Italian Spiderman > Ross Kraz 09/03/2015 at 20:40

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Dude, this is superb writing. Deadspin needs to share this shit.

Keep it up!

SnapUndersteer, Italian Spiderman > Dusty Ventures 09/03/2015 at 20:41

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I’m a Giants fan. I don’t mind you being a Pats fan because my team has your number

cazzyodo > Dusty Ventures 09/03/2015 at 20:43

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Right there with you, bud. I’d rather dislike him on our team than hate losing to him.

cazzyodo > Ross Kraz 09/03/2015 at 20:44

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I just drafted to my fantasy team Tannehill for exactly the reasons you pointed out. Glad I’m not completely insane.

Dusty Ventures > SnapUndersteer, Italian Spiderman 09/03/2015 at 20:50

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Only when they actually manage to put a good season together and make it to the big show.

SnapUndersteer, Italian Spiderman > Dusty Ventures 09/03/2015 at 20:55

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Good season normally equates to minimal injuries. We’ve been so unlucky in the past few seasons like that. Eli has a habit of heating up too late in the season.

In the playoffs, he is hot fire

SnapUndersteer, Italian Spiderman > Sn210 09/03/2015 at 20:56

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He’s a more versatile and newer version of Darren Sproles

Dusty Ventures > SnapUndersteer, Italian Spiderman 09/03/2015 at 21:01

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So you’re saying your team is made of glass and your QB thinks the season starts in November

SnapUndersteer, Italian Spiderman > Dusty Ventures 09/03/2015 at 21:05

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It’s a well known fact

Justin T. Westbrook > Ross Kraz 09/03/2015 at 22:06

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Hey, if you’re cool with the idea:

When you finish these, round them up into one final review with all Divisions and I’ll get them over to Jalopnik.

If you’re down (I hope you are, they’re great), try to put a picture up top that you want to be the display image.

email me if interested: jwestbrookemail at gmail dot com

Ross Kraz > Sn210 09/04/2015 at 12:10

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I totally forgot about that play! Great moment. I edited the post to include that. Thanks!

deprecated account > Ross Kraz 09/04/2015 at 21:04

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You win

Ross Kraz > Justin T. Westbrook 09/16/2015 at 13:23

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http://oppositelock.kinja.com/what-car-is-th…

Jesse > Sn210 09/16/2015 at 13:46

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12 to 11 to 80 still gives me chills.
/unapologetic lifer Pats fan since the ‘70s.

Teddy Bonkers > Sn210 09/16/2015 at 13:50

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I love how Suggs just says, “Fuck it” when he realizes Edelman is going to throw and his guy is wide open.

DipodomysDeserti > Dusty Ventures 09/16/2015 at 13:51

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I’m guessing you’re not from Boston? Because any utterance of blasphemy against Brady in Shitsville will get you deported.

Thermite and Ice > Ross Kraz 09/16/2015 at 13:52

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I want this car so badly

BogeyBones > Sn210 09/16/2015 at 13:58

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Little known fact, Edelman was a QB in college.

FuckingOffatWork > SnapUndersteer, Italian Spiderman 09/16/2015 at 14:00

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Hahahahahahahahahahaha

AceMagnum > Sn210 09/16/2015 at 14:01

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Was a QB in college.

FuckingOffatWork > SnapUndersteer, Italian Spiderman 09/16/2015 at 14:01

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Yeah, the Giants would be competing in the Super Bowl every year, but they’re the only NFL team that gets injured

TheDudeAbides_(version 2.0) > Ross Kraz 09/16/2015 at 14:02

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He should get into a slap-fight with Ron Artest and not stop until they’re both dead (I grant that the only unknown here is how long he would have to continue slapping Artest’s corpse before dying, but it should still happen). The world would be a better place.

Sullivanish > Ross Kraz 09/16/2015 at 14:06

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I made it two entries in and...that’s not a picture of a MINI Roadster.

Ross Kraz > Sullivanish 09/16/2015 at 14:10

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You have a keen eye. While it is a MINI, and a roadster, it is not the MINI Roadster, but rather a regular Cabrio. My mistake.

Sfferries > Ross Kraz 09/16/2015 at 14:11

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Julian Edelman ALSO played DB a few years ago due to injuries in the secondary. Let’s give the kid credit where it’s due...

Doctor Gonzo > SnapUndersteer, Italian Spiderman 09/16/2015 at 14:13

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I don’t think he’s anything like Sproles. More like a faster version of Wes Welker, minus the CTE, plus a rocket for an arm (having been a collegiate QB and all).

Sullivanish > Ross Kraz 09/16/2015 at 14:14

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It’s not a roadster by any definition I’ve come across*, but admittedly, that’s a word that means whatever the marketing department WANTS it to mean.

Still, I think you’d be on the firmest ground just calling it a convertible, which is both the most generic descriptor AND the actual name of that model. There’s no such thing as a Mini Cabriolet. I think Fiat might use that nomenclature. And, of course, VW did for a long time.

*-These days, it’s almost exclusively applied to a two seater whose roof comes either down or off, but if you go back far enough, it has meant some wildly different things.

SnapUndersteer, Italian Spiderman > Doctor Gonzo 09/16/2015 at 14:15

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How so? He’s been used as a QB (rarely), a RB (sometimes), Kick/Punt Returner (often), and a WR (mainly).... What hasn’t he done on offense that Sproles has? If that’s not more versatility, and less age than Darren; then I don’t know what is

Rb > Ross Kraz 09/16/2015 at 14:16

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How you don’t have Sammy Watkins as a Ferrari is beyond me. McCoy went so far as to say the bills were leaving the Ferrari in the garage this offseason. You had a layup.

da_Bird > SnapUndersteer, Italian Spiderman 09/16/2015 at 14:18

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Did you forget him playing defensive back (reasonably effectively) a couple years back?

SnapUndersteer, Italian Spiderman > da_Bird 09/16/2015 at 14:20

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Most asssuredly not! :)

bigdong > Dusty Ventures 09/16/2015 at 14:23

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Do Patriot fans get an alert to their phone whenever Brady is mentioned in an article? What a bunch of hypersensitive douchebags

da_Bird > SnapUndersteer, Italian Spiderman 09/16/2015 at 14:27

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On the blitz!

Sn210 > BogeyBones 09/16/2015 at 14:32

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I had been waiting for that play since he got drafted

Hanoumatoi > Ross Kraz 09/16/2015 at 14:36

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Pats fan, and that is a hilarious choice for Brady. Well done.

mcflipper > Ross Kraz 09/16/2015 at 14:51

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Ha ha—good one. And I say that as a Pats fan, too.

Go Pats! > Ross Kraz 09/16/2015 at 14:52

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haha, another Tom Brady deflate joke.

Seriously though i would say Tom is the Honda NSX

Like Tom (6th round draft pick) i dont think many people ever thought Honda would make a serious contenting super car, yet when it finally got it’s debut it shocked the automotive world winning all kinds of car of the year - Brady, Superbowl win his first year?

Over the years the car got better and kept winning but eventually the model was considered dated and people felt like it’s day had past. That was until a new updated version got the auto world excited again.

This new car is a more glamorous monster who still holds his own against newer models that keep nipping at his heals.

Also the original looked geeky/lanky much like the original Brady (combine photos) while the new beefier one looks like it belongs on magazine covers but still has a geekyness to it. Of course no matter how they looked, they always got business done out where it counted. And legends were born.

Dusty Ventures > DipodomysDeserti 09/16/2015 at 14:57

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No, I’m from the smart, good looking half of the state

Dusty Ventures > bigdong 09/16/2015 at 15:00

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No, but since I’m one of the moderators here I do get an alert when someone is being rude and might need to be banned.

Ando > SnapUndersteer, Italian Spiderman 09/16/2015 at 15:04

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I’m a Patriots fan, and this is true. Thus I have to pull for everyone else in NFC to make sure the short bus Super Bowl slinger doesn’t make the playoffs.

PMorrison > Ross Kraz 09/16/2015 at 15:09

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You guys forgot about the year he played cornerback.

The-Guy-They-Warned-You-About > SnapUndersteer, Italian Spiderman 09/16/2015 at 15:20

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Damn helmet catch.... (^_^)

YourMom > bigdong 09/16/2015 at 15:21

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Tell us about your screenname.

Chonnie Dorsey > Dusty Ventures 09/16/2015 at 15:27

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Testify!

Go Pats! > Hanoumatoi 09/16/2015 at 15:48

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Could also look at it like this:

No matter how difficult the obstacles, no matter how far away the top is, no matter how long you have to work to get there, Tom fights his way to the top of the mountain time and time again

ChrisHill > Ross Kraz 09/16/2015 at 15:51

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In 2011 Edelman also played defensive back for a few games because of injuries to the normal DBs.

Mr. Blood > SnapUndersteer, Italian Spiderman 09/16/2015 at 15:58

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If onlt Eli could remember those numbers

savethekitties > SnapUndersteer, Italian Spiderman 09/16/2015 at 16:00

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Supa Hot Fire?

Dusty Ventures > cazzyodo 09/16/2015 at 16:30

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Just heard Brady is backing Trump for president. Think we can get Jacksonville to take him in exchange for Bortles?

VictorgSahdala > Ross Kraz 09/16/2015 at 16:31

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I can’t stop laughing with the Brady comparo

cazzyodo > Dusty Ventures 09/16/2015 at 16:41

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Isn’t there a separation of sport and state?

Hanoumatoi > Go Pats! 09/16/2015 at 17:26

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Sure, but I could just have a sense of humor about the whole thing too.

SmartAsinine > Dusty Ventures 09/16/2015 at 17:46

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Connecticut?

SmartAsinine > bigdong 09/16/2015 at 17:51

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“What a bunch of hypersensitive douchebags”

Where did you come up with this? Reads down....

‘No, but since I’m one of the moderators here I do get an alert when someone is being rude and might need to be banned.’

Oh.

Dusty Ventures > SmartAsinine 09/16/2015 at 20:01

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Western Mass

Moreoral Compass > Dusty Ventures 09/17/2015 at 00:03

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That part of MA does not exist.

Moreoral Compass > Dusty Ventures 09/17/2015 at 00:05

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Really? Seems like he nailed that hypersensitive part. Threatening banishment is the #1 sign according WebMD.

SmugAardvark > bigdong 09/17/2015 at 00:22

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Easy there, killer. No need to be so sensitive.

You must be a Pats fan.

Dusty Ventures > Moreoral Compass 09/17/2015 at 00:52

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The rules here in Oppo are different from the rest of the Gawkerverse. We have no problem with people debating and even arguing about various subjects, but insults pointed directly at another commenter is against the rules here. So, for example, if hypothetical commenter A calls hypothetical commenter B’s favorite driver a cheating asshole, that’s alright. But if hypothetical commenter A called hypothetical commenter B a dumbass or a douche for supporting said driver, that’s against the rules. That’s why I gave the response I did. As far as I’m concerned he can talk shit about Brady and the Pats until the cows come home. Attacking/insulting someone directly, be it me or anyone else here doesn’t fly.

Moreoral Compass > Dusty Ventures 09/21/2015 at 20:36

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I wasn’t aware that was part of the rules. I’m so used to people being awful to each other on the internet that it doesn’t even phase me anymore. That being said, your rules are your rules and I’ll respect them when I comment here. I also happen to agree with it for what it’s worth. I think you would have to admit that due to how that played out and the response given it did kinda look like the shoe fit though =)

Dusty Ventures > Moreoral Compass 09/21/2015 at 20:40

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Haha true enough :)